Communication Takes 3 Parts

It takes 3 parts - you, me and the medium.

I was having a tense conversation with a co-worker via e-mail where I was asking him to follow up on something and he was implying I should be responsible. I'd never met him before, but he had the same name as someone I had worked with at Disney World. So I asked at the bottom of my reply to his latest terse message, "Did you ever live in Orlando? You have the same name as someone I worked with at Disney World." And the response came back, "No... were you Mickey Mouse?"

My perspective: Is he implying I do a Mickey Mouse job here?

His perspective: - truly, I don't know. Lighthearted humor? A "zing"? Do I zing back? At least he didn't call me Goofy.

I let it go.

My wife and I have this type of conversation all the time. Not really that she calls me Goofy, which at times would be deserved, but she's coming from a completely different perspective than me. And this is face-to-face where the medium leaves less room for guessing - although tone of voice, posture, eye contact, etc. can still be mis-interpreted. We've finally realized that at times we need to define our position or explain our tone and manner when we make a statement. "I'm raising my voice because I'm frustrated that the air conditioner isn't working, not because I'm mad at you!" clarifying that I was not blaming her for turning on the dryer while the dishwasher and 3 air conditioners were running - truly, I could have just as easily done that. But I was still yelling in her direction if not "at her," and she would naturally become defensive. Who wouldn't? My explanation didn't justify the yelling, just explained it. And by vocalizing that I realized what I was doing, and that self-realization also helped me to quickly calm down. In the past this would have escalated to... well, I'm sure you can imagine.

One other tip learned the hard way: Sarcasm rarely travels well over IM.